About Jason Soto

Jason Soto was born in a log cabin on a cold blistery June on the side of a mountain. Ever since that fateful day, he has made it his mission to no longer be born on the side of mountains. Instead, he has developed a love of board games and movies, none of which anyone on this planet has seen. His favorite board game is Cat-opoly and his favorite movie is Dorf On Golf.

30 Days of Horror Day 6: The Unborn

30 Days of Horror Day 6: The Unborn

I know I said I wasn't going to write any reviews this month but this movie was wacky as fuck that I'm gonna need more than a couple of paragraphs to talk about this. 

First off, I've never heard of this movie. I just saw it at a Goodwill some years ago and said "why not?" and picked up it for 50 cents. When it came time to do 30 Days of Horror, I decided to throw in some movies I had on my VHS shelf that's been literally collecting dust. Sheesh, what do I pay those lazy Mexicans for?

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The Unborn starts with a pregnant lady and her husband about to get it on when suddenly a demonic cat meows and the fetus starts bursting out of her stomach like her name was John Hurt and they were on the Nostromo. Smash cut to our main character Virginia (who looks like Karen Allen) and her Husband Bland. Or Brad. Or Chad. Whatever, this dude looked like the cokehead salesman from Die Hard and I had to consult IMDB to make sure it wasn't him. Virginia and Bland are trying to have a kid so they see a fertility doctor Dr. Unassuming or something who assures them he has a 100% success rate when it comes to knocking up women. Lisa Kudrow plays his secretary and I swear her and Bland were eye-fucking each other in every scene.

Later, Virginia and her boring husband are having dinner with another couple who saw the same doctor and this lady is a major bitch and drama queen. Virginia lights up a cigarette cause those were legal in 1991 (when this movie was made) and the lady literally goes COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH oh it's fine keep smoking COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH COUGH!! THEN when she notices Virginia's cute cat, the bitchy drama queen goes "OH NO! You have to get rid of the cat! Pregnant women can't be around cat feces!!!" As she said this, she pulled out a sledge hammer and a potato sack. But Virginia assured her that Bland Husband was going to pick up cat poop.

After the annoying couple leaves, Virginia and her wooden husband proceed to fuck on a rocking chair. I'm not kidding. They have sex on a rocking chair. Maybe they thought they'd try the natural way one more time? 

Unbelievably, someone took a still of the fucking in a rocking chair scene. I'm not sure why, it needs to be seen to be believed.

Unbelievably, someone took a still of the fucking in a rocking chair scene. I'm not sure why, it needs to be seen to be believed.

So Virginia gets impregnated in vitro by the doctor and almost immediately he goes "Congrats, you're knocked up!" After a happy montage of them decorating the house for the baby, Virginia decides to take a all female Lamaze class, run by a lesbian Kathy Griffin and her girlfriend. Oddly progressive for 1991 but things come back to normal after another woman makes fun of Kathy Griffin for being a lesbian and walks out of the class. 

Eventually, Virginia notices weird things happening to her body that aren't normal for pregnant women. She gets a rash. She gets bitchy. That's actually it. Maybe those things are normal for pregnant women. I don't know, I never been one. But this movie says it's weird and this movie is an expert on pregnant women obviously so I have to trust it.

Eventually, Bland leaves town for work (AKA probably hooking up with Lisa Kudrow's character) and Virginia's mother comes for a visit. This movie plays up the usual trope of the husband not liking the mother-in-law and going "Oh no! The battleaxe is coming into town! Glad I'm leaving!" But...the mom was OK. She wasn't bitchy or demanding or even rude. If anything, she spent the entire movie confused and not doing much. 

There is a scene where Virginia has some kind of fit and acts like Tommy Wiseau at the end of The Room and trashes her house. She even finds a gun! I was waiting for her to say "God! Forgive me!" and put it in her mouth but that didn't happen. This is basically Chekhov's Gun. 

Side note about The Room: he didn't even get Chekhov's Gun right. At no pint in The Room do we even see a gun. It just comes out of nowhere. Wait! Unless it's the same gun that Chris-R used earlier on Denny...whoa! I just came to a new realization about The Room in the middle of another crappy movie. That's the power of The Room, man.

I am everywhere. Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

I am everywhere. Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Back to The Unborn. Unfortunately. 

Virginia trashes her house for no reason and even kills her cat right when her mom shows up. Virginia agreed to be on some TV show to promote her book (she writes kids books. I didn't mention it until now cause honestly it's not important) and she's late. At this point in the movie, she learned that Dr. Dubious is up to something cause a friend of hers left some exposition newspaper clippings on her desk at work and Virginia immediately puts it all together.

So on the TV show, Virginia starts ranting and raving about how her baby isn't hers and it's a monster and the doctor is messing with people and she's mad as hell and not gonna take it no more! We hear another cat baby inside her uterus and she's sent to the hospital. The doctor shows up and simply goes "you'll be alright". But Virginia is like "fuck this!" and breaks out!

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She runs to a payphone and calls Kathy Griffin cause...why not? And it's at this point we learn that Kathy Griffin's girlfriend was A-pregnant, B-had the same thing done to her as Virginia by the same doctor, and C-is going crazy and killing Kathy Griffin. Virginia hears this and calls the cops. The cops, meanwhile, help Virginia get back home. 

The next day, she tries to get an abortion because she doesn't want to have a monster kid but the clinic won't do it cause she's in her 9th month. But this sketchy dude says he'll do it and she LITERALLY GOES TO A BACK ALLEY AND GETS AN ABORTION!!

I know I been saying "literally" a lot in this review. I don't use that word lightly. So you know I'm serious when I say she LITERALLY had a back alley abortion. 

Now that's she free from the baby, she goes home and Bland Husband is there. Turns out he was also in the whole "let's put a genetically engineered monster baby inside you" thing and is pissed she got an abortion and storms out of the house. Later, she mentally hears her cat baby meowing and drives to the back alley and digs through the dumpster and finds it.

Later, Bland comes back to apologize but finds Virginia breastfeeding the monster newborn. When Bland reacts rather negatively towards it, the baby pulls out a knitting needle and stabs Bland in the eye! This causes Virginia to snap out of it and wake up her Mom and makes her drive to the doctors office. 

There, she finds the doctor has found a way to grow these monster babies without humans and they looks like giant see through Pokeballs to me. Virginia freaks out, shoots the doctor, then shoots all the Pokeballs, and because it's a '90s movie, the lab explodes.

While driving home, Virginia's monster baby crawls to the break pedal and causes the car to crash, killing Virginia's Mom. Virginia is unharmed somehow and the movie simply ends with her reaching out to the monster cat baby saying "everything is going to be just fine".

This movie is wacky. It's like Rosemary's Baby minus Satan plus science. The entire time I was waiting for the doctor to show up and take charge of Virginia as she ran around claiming she's pregnant with a genetically engineered baby cat monster thing but no. He was just chill about everything. It's like a conspiracy but no one is trying to stop them from spreading it. She even went on LIVE TV to call them out and nothing. Worst. Conspiracy. Ever. 

And Virginia's mom. Again, I'm not sure why Bland didn't like her. If you look at the movie from her point of view, she arrives at her daughter's house, finds everything torn up, takes her to a TV show where a monster cat baby tries to claw it's way out, and while the daughter is in the hospital, she goes back to Virginia's house and drinks until she shows up way later. THEN she gets asked to help her get an abortion and lets her go with a sketchy guy in a back alley and then she's woken up in the middle of night, hears some gunshots in a medical lab, and then is killed by a newborn monster baby. If anything, she had the most tragic story out of everyone.

Well, not including the cat.

2 out of 5.

-Jason

30 Days of Horror: Week 1

30 Days of Horror: Week 1

Movie Review: Ghostbusters (2016)

Movie Review: Ghostbusters (2016)