Watch All The Wolverines
Right around the time Logan was in theaters, a YouTube video came out that gave us the timeline of the X-Men movies and more specifically Wolverine's timeline. And they presented all the movies in chronological order instead of movie order. This got me thinking about two things. 1-I haven't seen a good chunk of X-Men movies and 2-it'd be interesting to watch the movies in this chronological order just to see the entire life of a character from beginning to (spoiler?) end.
So I went on a mission to get all 9 X-Men movies and eventually have a movie marathon where I watch all of them in this order. It took some doing but I eventually got all the movies on DVD and Blu-Ray and now I just needed the time to tackle this marathon. Then New Years Eve happened.
A QUICK ASIDE: Starting in 1998 me and my friend Bill decided to get together on New Years Eve and watch a whole shit ton of movies and stay up all night and into the next day. To give you an idea, we were 18 at this time. We did this a few years in a row until one time we couldn't and we fell out of that tradition.
So keeping that in mind, I thought why not? And decided to start my #watchallthewolverines movie marathon. And since I was doing them in chronological order that meant I started with:
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
We learn about the origins of Wolverine except we really don't. Basically he was born in the 1800's, found out he can never die and he and his brother Victor aka Sabretooth (Liev Schrieber, whom I'm slowly becoming a fan of his between this and Phantoms) are soldiers in every single war, including Vietnam where Sabretooth goes crazy and gets all rapey. This gets them "executed" but of course they can't die so instead they join some special ops group that gets a bit too murdery for Wolverine (real named James Hewlett btw) and he leaves.
A few years later, Sabretooth is killing all the people in the special ops group, including one Wade Wilson, yes THAT WADE WILSON, and we learn that Wolverine got married and is making a living as a lumberjack. Well, Sabretooth kills the wife which pisses off Wolverine so he agrees to be part of a science experiment that turns his bones into that steel stuff (I'm a geek but NOT that much of a geek, sorry) and now he's out looking for Sabretooth for revenge!
I have two problems with this movie. One, the CGI was FUCKING TERRIBLE! This came out in 2011, after the original X-Men trilogy! And Wolverine's claws looked fake as hell and the action sequences looked totally green screened. I have no idea why this one looked so bad. And the second problem, the one everyone has with this one, is of course how they handled Deadpool. He was barely in it, then they kill him and sew his mouth shut. Just dumb.
1 out of 5.
This took me to X-Men First Class, another prequel of sorts where we learn how Charles Xavier formed the X-Men. This involves Rose Byrne in bra and panties, Kevin Bacon doing a German accent, JANUARY JONES AS FUCKING EMMA FROST!!!!!!, Jennifer Lawrence....just Jennifer Lawrence, and the Cuban Missile Crisis. Oh and Wolverine is only in a cameo when Xavier and Erik are recruiting mutants, but this cameo was awesome as it's probably the first time the F-word is uttered in an X-Men movie. But it won't be the last.
This one wasn't bad. I enjoyed it. My only misstep was, on my Letterboxd page, I gave this a 4 but that was probably because I watched this after the mess that was X-Men: Origins. But now that I'm looking back on these movies after watching them all, my rating is now different.
3 out of 5.
This then takes us to the original X-Men movie, from 2000. I remember seeing this in theaters, back when superhero movies wasn't that big of a thing. Sure we had our Batman and Superman films here or there, but this was the FIRST X-Men movie! We got to see Wolverine in full action! Yeah!
And we get introduced to Jean Grey and Storm and Rogue and, ugh, Scott Summers. Why is Cyclops the worse? Like seriously. He just exists and he sucks royally. Jean should've ditched his ass and went with Logan. Ugh.
Anyway, not much more to say here. It's a classic. It's good.
4 out of 5.
I don't know how I did this but I somehow missed X2 in theaters. And DVD. This marathon was my first time watching it. And...holy fuck it's awesome!! I loved it! I will mention that since I was watching these in timeline order it was weird seeing the origin story of Wolverine again but it happening in a different way. But Brian Cox was involved, which is awesome. This ended up being the first movie I watched after midnight and I couldn't think of a better way to ring in the new year.
4.5 out of 5
X3: The Last Stand is next and this is all sorts of weird while watching in timeline order because it begins with "young" Xavier and "young" Erik, who are both still played by Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen. And Xavier was walking even though at the end of First Class he got shot and couldn't walk. So I don't know. As for the movie itself, people seem to hate this one and I'm not sure why. Maybe cause Xavier died? It should be everyone's favortie for two reasons:
1. Horny Jean Grey
2. SCOTT SUMMER DIES!!! WOOO!!!!!! I threw a party when this happened. Yeah, it was 4AM on New Years but it was an awesome "Cyclops Is Dead!" party!
This also featured Ellen Page, whom I have a crush on (I know, I know...but I still have a crush on her) and one of my favorite lines "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!!" (To clear up any confusion, Ellen Page is not Juggernaut.) But yeah, I don't get the hate for this movie. I liked it just fine and was entertained, even at 4AM.
4 out of 5.
Alright, at this point, I had to stop because the next movie, The Wolverine, was on Blu-Ray and my Blu-Ray player was in the living room...where my fiancee was sleeping. So I went to sleep and when I woke up at 10:30, I went ahead and started it up. This one I've seen before and it's not my most favorite. It's about Wolverine going to Japan to say goodbye to a friend who's dying of cancer but the friend wants to take Wolverine's healing power and stay alive, which sort of ends up happening but...not. Watching Wolverine not heal isn't all that fun but there were some good moments, like the fight on the train and the chase scene through the streets that ends in a sleazy sex hotel. But yeah, this is just OK. I can go the rest of my life with never seeing it again.
3 out of 5.
But then we get to X-Men: Days of Future Past and FUCK YES! THIS MOVIE! OH MY GOD I LOVE IT!! Time travel! Felt like a heist movie at times. And Quicksilver! I fucking want a spin-off TV series where '70s Charles Xavier and the X-Men do heists like what was depicted in this movie. With or without Wolverine. The only thing I didn't like about this was Scott Summers NOT being dead anymore. BOO! But everything else, I loved!
4.5 out of 5.
X-Men Apocalypse. Again, this was just OK. I wasn't a fan of this one cause it felt like the setup was an hour and 20 minutes with a 30 minute action sequence. The only best part was, again, Quicksilver saving everyone at the school. And I will give this movie a shout out for including Jubilee, even though she didn't do much. The villain was kinda blah and Angel didn't really do much. I did think Nightcrawler was cool and Storm was hot. And of course Sansa Stark playing Jean Grey, she was OK. Another one I could do without seeing again (although I might watch the house blowing up sequence by itself).
3 out of 5.
And finally, the one I been eager to watch. The one that inspired this whole thing. Logan.
Since this movie is pretty recent, I will give a spoiler warning for the movie. So don't read this section unless you've seen it. There, you been warned.
This movie was fucking amazing!! I love this came out right after Deadpool cause it was vulgar, violent, and bloody! I hope all superhero movies are like this from now on. It makes it more real to me. It was sad seeing Old Man Logan...so old. And dying. And a crazy Professor X getting...dementia? Alzheimer's? And since his powers are psychic, that's fucked up. Logan finding out he, techically, has a daughter and she's just as crazy as he is. And now it's about kid mutants being used as soliders by a sinister corporation, cause it wouldn't be an X-Men movie without a sinister corporation.
Going into this movie, I knew that both Professor X and Logan was going to die. It KIND OF was spoiled for me and I figured that's what was going to happen. I was just curious how it all broke down. And it was sad to see them both die on screen and I liked how both Patrick Stewart and Hugh Jackman handled their death scenes. And I love how it ends with a new generation of mutants, off in the world. A fantastic end to a fantastic series.
5 out of 5.
Alright so what did I learn watching them in timeline order? That even sometimes people involved with every single movie don't always get facts right and how the special effects get better, then worse, then great again. Do I recommend watching it in this order? Nah. I don't think it helped the story any. Just watch them in any order you want, even skipping some.
Believe it or not, I plan on marathon-ing some more movies in the near future, which I'll write about then. 2018: The Year of the Marathon (of movies)!